I asked my mom if I was adopted ... she said, “Not yet, but we placed an ad.”
- Dana Snow
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
It's amazing how the sentence "don't believe everything you read on the internet" is the same backwards as it is forwards.
When something goes wrong in your life, just say "Plot Twist!" and move on.
Life is like a roller coaster picture: scary at the moment, fun to look back on.
One day you'll be thankful things didn't work out the way you want them to.
Some days you eat salad and work out; some days you have cupcakes and pizza. It's called balance.
I wish I were a little kid so I can just take a nap and everyone will be proud of me.
"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."
- Reba McEntire
Money talks; chocolate sings!
The IRS! They're like the Mafia - they can take anything they want!
- Jerry Seinfeld
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he won't expect it back.
The term "domestic housewife" implies that there are feral housewives, and now I have a new goal!
People know you for what you've done, not what you plan to do.
Do you give as much energy to your dreams as you do to your fears?
"You gotta try your luck at least once a day, because you could be going around lucky all day and not even know it."
- Jimmy Dean