One-liners

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son;

he said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

I don't know how many coffees it takes to be friendly, but so far it's more than 12.

Swedish astronomer Anders Celsius died in 1744 aged 43 though his rival Fahrenheit was convinced he was 109.

People write "congrats" because they can't spell congrajlashins.

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.

- Jerry Seinfeld

I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

- Jerry Seinfeld

If I don't text back at night it's 'cuz I'm out helping Batman.

Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December: “Let’s have another round, shall we?”

Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31; unlike me, it had a date on New Year’s Eve.

"A bookstore is one of the only piece of evidence we have that people are still thinking."

- Jerry Seinfeld

The worst part about not buying snacks so you won't eat snacks is not having snacks when you need a lil snack!

It's strange there is a setting on every toaster to completely burn the bread.

I never understood how the little drummer boy's parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

December weather is more confusing than trying to untangle rainbow Christmas lights.