One-liners

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone.

Very proud to have just finished my 7th marathon in 7 days - or 'Snickers' as they are now called.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

"She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, 'There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair."

- Red Skelton

The word queue is ironic - it's just a 'q' with a bunch of silent letters waiting in a line.

Hike in groups; bears like to have options.

U-Haul has the worst drivers of any company!

I'm doing one of those escape rooms today ... well, work... I'm going to work, but trying to figure out how t get out of it.

About four minutes into my run, I've decided I want to work on my personality instead.

One minute you are young and cool, maybe even a little dangerous, and the next minute you are reading Amazon reviews for birdseed.

Behind every great man is the drawer I need to get into ... Why are you even in the kitchen right now?

Sometimes I use words I don't understand so I can sound more photosynthesis.

People are so judgmental - I can tell just by looking at them.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up, or is there a number to call?

To avoid straining your eyes when you're continuously working, follow the 20-20-20 rule; after 20 minutes of work, look at something 20 feet away, then spend 20 years in the forest.

@macabredarklingwaters