One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

High fore-headed man with full grey beard and glasses sitting under his nose looking directly at us.The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Older man looking to the side wistfully.I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

Middle-aged woman with short blonde hair sitting in a grassy field looking directly at us with a smile.When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

A man in his thirties, eyes closed, standing up and half covering his mouth while he yawns.It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

A man sitting at a table covered in items to sell, asleep with his head on his arms.Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

A graphic of a man wearing prison stripes holding the bars of his cell.When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

Man with glasses sitting forward on a couch with his elbows on his knees holding a book and looking at the camera.Someone just accused me of plagiarism; their words, not mine.

AI generated image of a body under a sheet with only the feet visible. The room is dark and it is from the perspective of someone standing at the head.Okay, this is a little more than one sentence, but it is a zinger!

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

close up of man with sun glasses smiling and looking off to the left.I changed my car horn to a gunshot sound; people move out of the way a lot faster now.

Woman in blue blouse and one long braid with both hands over her mouth and big eyes.I don't usually brag about going to expensive places, but ...  I just left the gas station.

Middle-aged woman with shoulder length blond hair and a smile on a sunny day in a grassy park.I am now "take-a-picture-of-labels-with-my-phone-so-I-can-blow-it-up-bigger-and-read-it" years old.

Young woman sitting at an open bay window looking out into the forested area just outside.People who ask me what I'm doing tomorrow probably assume that I even know what day of the week it is.

Bald headed man with scruffy facial hair in striped shirt and tie looking directly at us.You can't hurt my feelings; I used to bring the wrong tools to my dad.

A car dash looking in from outside the car just behind the driver.One minute you're young and fun, and the next you're turning down the stereo in your car to see better.

Black man in mid-thirties wearing a red & grey striped shirt, tapping the side of his head.If all the toilets in your house are occupied and you are waiting for one to be free, switch off the Wi-Fi.

  1. One-Liner #1850
  2. One-Liner #1849
  3. One-Liner #1848
  4. One-Liner #1847

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