One-liners

Every time a bird craps on my car, I eat a plate of wings on the front porch to show them what I'm capable of.

Posted a photo of my clean house and it was flagged and removed as "Fake News."

I'll never forget the look on the cashiers face, when she scanned the packet of bird seed, and I asked her how long does it take for the birds to grow once I plant them.

Hey Walmart, don't get angry at me if I forget to scan something; you literally gave me zero training before making me a cashier.

When people tell me, "You're gonna regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.

If you're ugly and sad, buy a fishing boat and just be ugly.

Easter egg hunts are proof that your children really can find things without Mom's help.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people's phone numbers is doing now.

“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, like how does a guy who drives a snowplow get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.” 

- Billy Connolly

It seems unfair that the people who want to go to bed have to put the people to bed that don't want to go to bed.

The leprechauns made me do it.

I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.

This project is so important that we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

Sometimes you might feel like no one's there for you, but you know who's always there for you? Laundry. Laundry will always be there for you.

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.