One-liners

I changed my car horn to a gunshot sound; people move out of the way a lot faster now.

I don't usually brag about going to expensive places, but ...  I just left the gas station.

I am now "take-a-picture-of-labels-with-my-phone-so-I-can-blow-it-up-bigger-and-read-it" years old.

People who ask me what I'm doing tomorrow probably assume that I even know what day of the week it is.

You can't hurt my feelings; I used to bring the wrong tools to my dad.

One minute you're young and fun, and the next you're turning down the stereo in your car to see better.

If all the toilets in your house are occupied and you are waiting for one to be free, switch off the Wi-Fi.

It's a good day ... the bulb finally burned out on my check engine light!

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee; this means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A BOAT.

Yesterday I was cooking dinner and my son came up to me and said, "Someday I'll work and help you with groceries, bills and house expenses..." My eyes started to tear up - my baby will be 32 next month!

My son, Luke, loves how I named my kids after Star Wars characters; my daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Steve's keyboard must be broken ... he keeps hitting the escape key, but he's still at work.

How come there's enough asphalt for speedbumps, but not enough to fill potholes?

Seen in bookstore window:

Please note: The post-apocalyptical fiction section has  been moved to Current Affairs.