One-liners

When people tell me, "You're gonna regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.

If you're ugly and sad, buy a fishing boat and just be ugly.

Easter egg hunts are proof that your children really can find things without Mom's help.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people's phone numbers is doing now.

“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, like how does a guy who drives a snowplow get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.” 

- Billy Connolly

It seems unfair that the people who want to go to bed have to put the people to bed that don't want to go to bed.

The leprechauns made me do it.

I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.

This project is so important that we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

Sometimes you might feel like no one's there for you, but you know who's always there for you? Laundry. Laundry will always be there for you.

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

"I would not paint my house on a Sunday - not because I am in bondage, but because I am lazy."

- Fred Schmidt

It's been a strange day ... first I found a hat full of money; then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.

My stomach is flat ... but the "L" is silent.

How come when I buy one loaf of bread it's gone in two days, but when I buy two all of a sudden no one eats bread anymore?