One-liners

It's a good day ... the bulb finally burned out on my check engine light!

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee; this means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A BOAT.

Yesterday I was cooking dinner and my son came up to me and said, "Someday I'll work and help you with groceries, bills and house expenses..." My eyes started to tear up - my baby will be 32 next month!

My son, Luke, loves how I named my kids after Star Wars characters; my daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Steve's keyboard must be broken ... he keeps hitting the escape key, but he's still at work.

How come there's enough asphalt for speedbumps, but not enough to fill potholes?

Seen in bookstore window:

Please note: The post-apocalyptical fiction section has  been moved to Current Affairs.

Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands I'll take you on your birthday!" ... we're spending 3 weeks behind the couch.

I really must apologize for my tardiness; I got here as soon as I wanted to.

I saw a woman in a parking lot crying because she lost $200 ... I felt so bad for her, I gave her $40 from the $200 I had just found in that parking lot.

I believe in you ... I also believe in bigfoot so don't get too excited.

Did you know that if you garden in your back yard naked, your neighbors will build you a privacy fence for absolutely no cost to you.

My life coach just informed me I didn't make the team!

I have a perfect body -  but it's in the trunk and starting to smell.