One-liners

"I would not paint my house on a Sunday - not because I am in bondage, but because I am lazy."

- Fred Schmidt

It's been a strange day ... first I found a hat full of money; then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.

My stomach is flat ... but the "L" is silent.

How come when I buy one loaf of bread it's gone in two days, but when I buy two all of a sudden no one eats bread anymore?

On a scale of one to 10, I'd give you a nine - and I'm the one you need!

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn and now we wait.

The most dangerous kind of canoes are volcanoes.

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son;

he said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

I don't know how many coffees it takes to be friendly, but so far it's more than 12.

Swedish astronomer Anders Celsius died in 1744 aged 43 though his rival Fahrenheit was convinced he was 109.

People write "congrats" because they can't spell congrajlashins.

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.

- Jerry Seinfeld

I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

- Jerry Seinfeld

If I don't text back at night it's 'cuz I'm out helping Batman.