One-liners

I run like the winded.

I finally got eight hours of sleep; it took me three days, but whatever.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free, it means I am doing nothing.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

I had my patience tested; I'm negative.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

Someone just accused me of plagiarism; their words, not mine.

Okay, this is a little more than one sentence, but it is a zinger!

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.