One-liners

I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work ... Thankfully, I was at work.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but living your life to the fullest does not have to involve hiking.

I've discovered that you can turn a regular sofa into a sleeper sofa simply by forgetting your wife's birthday.

"Do you have a flat stomach?"

Yeah, but the "L" is silent.

One night I was babysitting my neighbor's 6 year old kid. She just kept staring at me, and finally she asked my why I was so ugly, and without thinking I said, "I'm you from the future," and she cried for like 20 minutes.

My kid asked me what I used to play on the iPad as a kid, and I told him I talked into a fan to sound like a robot.

Travel Advice: Don't waste money buying new clothes; visit new places where people haven't seen your old clothes.

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner, you are a terrible parent - I don't care how busy you are - find the time to microwave them!

I'm not saying that my wife orders a lot from Amazon, I'm just saying that if I got a job as an Amazon driver they'd probably let me work from home.

I just learned the professional way to say "I told you so":

"This was identified early on as a likely outcome."

Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves at the same time he does.

Sparkling water tastes like when your leg falls asleep.

You can always make Easter easier by replacing the "t" with and "i."

I identify heavily with the seagull because if I was gifted the miracle of flight, I too would probably just use it to steal French fries all day long.

Scurvy: When life doesn't give you lemons.