One-liners

You can always make Easter easier by replacing the "t" with and "i."

I identify heavily with the seagull because if I was gifted the miracle of flight, I too would probably just use it to steal French fries all day long.

Scurvy: When life doesn't give you lemons.

Being a baby must be scary; imagine sleeping at home and you wake up at Wal-Mart.

Fun fact: Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you.

My mom and dad had 6 photos of me from 1993 and I have 235 photos of my cat from 7 - 7:05 this morning.

My son found my crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, "Is it because of your hair?" - so now I'm crying for two reasons.

The only squat I'm doin' is Diddly!

I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards. It was spam.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the bridge I said I'd cross when I came to it.

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday. 

I asked her, "How small?"

She replied, "Just you, me, and the principal."

So why is it that when Star Trek 'boldly go where no one has gone before' they always find someone there?

Finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures - it's my face.

My patience is basically like a gift card. Not sure how much is left on it but we can give it a try.

I am now "take a picture of labels with my phone so I can blow it up bigger and read it" years old.