Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile ... I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Studies show that people with high IQs tend to be lazy, or something like that ... I didn't read the whole article.
My wife wanted a vacation, but I wanted a staycation, so we compromised and had an altercation.
My wife texted me this morning and said, "Your great;" I replied, "No, you're great" - she's been in a great mood ever since. I should correct her grammar more often.
When I was a kid, bedtime was 9pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted ... turns out that's 9pm.
I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something; I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more than 2 minutes.
One invention that was more important than the first telephone was definitely ... the second telephone.
My boss said I intimidate my coworkers; so I stared at him until he apologized.
One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. I they laugh, you're young; if they panic, you're old.
At my funeral, I would like there to be a piñata so people can be happy ... but filled with bees so they're not too happy.
Funny thing about marriage is I would 100%, without a doubt, take bullet for my wife; but I can also say, 100%without a doubt, she'd be the reason we were getting shot at in the first place.
Sometimes I use big words I don't understand to make myself look more photosynthesis.
My wife told me I've grown as a person ... her actual words were "You've gotten fat" but I know what she meant.
The 'back' in horseback riding is probably unnecessary.
I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work ... Thankfully, I was at work.