One-liners

I just found out I'm colorblind; the diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Some people are like clouds; once they disappear it's a beautiful day.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband, the ears are sold separately.

A recent study found that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the global population.

To all the people who always said I'd never amount to anything because of my procrastination ... Just you wait.

Some people need to finish chores before they can relax; others can't start chores until they've relaxed ... and those two marry each other.

Sometimes I think I'm reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or a third time for extra lockiness.

At a job interview I was asked if i was a gossip; I said, "No, but I can tell you who is."

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology; please DO NOT buy it.

Been renovating my place ... and when I knocked down a wall, I found a secret, fully furnished room!! Then I remembered ... we live in a duplex.

Incorrectly is the only word that, when spelled correctly, is still spelled incorrectly.

A lot of women say their husbands never listen to them; I'm proud to say I've never heard my wife say that.

Every time I try to eat healthy along comes Thanksgiving, Christmas, Wednesday or Friday to mess me up.

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning; I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.

If laziness were an Olympic sport, I would come in 4th just so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.