When men are growing up and reading about Batman, Spiderman, and Superman, these are not fantasies - these are options.
- Jerry Seinfeld
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are; but I laugh more.
The best revenge is living well.
- Jerry Seinfeld
A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
- Jerry Seinfeld
I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it's more of a rap.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
- Jerry Seinfeld
I ate a clock yesterday; it was very time consuming.
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
My company is better at making sun-screen than our competitors, but I don't like to rub it in!
It takes alot of balls to golf the way I do!
When someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kind of like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."
- Mitch Hedberg
"You can tell what was the best year of your father's life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out."
- Jerry Seinfeld