I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the heck is really going on down there? Who is the real hero?
- Mitch Hedberg
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Crime in multi-storey car parks - that is wrong on so many different levels."
- Tim Vine
The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
I like work; it fascinates me ... I can sit and look at it for hours.
- Jerome K. Jerome
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
- Morris Kline
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving; you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
We have enough youth ... how about a Fountain of Smart?
When men are growing up and reading about Batman, Spiderman, and Superman, these are not fantasies - these are options.
- Jerry Seinfeld
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are; but I laugh more.
The best revenge is living well.
- Jerry Seinfeld
A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.