One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

A brown cow in a meadow looking directly at us with flowers and grass hanging out of its mouth.What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?

It is just impossible to reduce weight by eating grass and salads and walking.

A massive bear's head in profile out in the woods, from it's left side.What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

A man in a plaid shirt, hands behind his head looking surprised.I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today; that's 12 years in a row.

An AI image of a man in a green t-shirt, beard, moustache, eyes wide and hands raised, astounded.A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

1. I ate my friend's lunch.
2. I ate my friend's colon.

A woman with short cropped hair, one hand held out with fingers splayed, looking directly at us with an outraged expression.Susan works all day holding your seldom used spices and twirling around whenever you need her and you have the audacity to call her lazy.

An older man with white hair and a white shirt sitting outdoors looking directly at us smiling.The self-deprecation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down.

A woman with a long braid and a blue shirt looking up and to her left, hand on chin, thinking.I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.

A young man looking directly at us with a somber expression.Being an adult just means you don't get rewarded anymore when you eat all your food. My nephew ate two chicken fingers and got rewarded with ice cream. I ate 5 and my mom said, "I thought you were on a diet!"

A man with glasses sitting under his nose, grey beard and hair, and a receding hairline looking directly at us.When I was your age, the internet went SKAWEEEE ReWeeert BeeDong BeeDoNG TsCHCHCHCH.

A black horse with a white star leaning its neck out over a fence on a clear blue sky day.Seen in a riding barn:

For fast riders, we have fast horses;
For slow riders, we have slow horses;
For those who have never ridden, we have horses that have never been ridden.

A man in a striped shirt, looking directly at us with hands raised in a shrug.I'm not totally useless ... I can be used as a bad example.

A black man in a pink and blue striped t-shirt with a quizzical expression looking directly at us.I just heard my neighbor crying which means unfortunately she could probably hear me singing monster mash in different voices.

A mobile phone in someone's hand as they scroll.If you take a social media sabbatical, don't announce it, just make your last post something fun like, "I wonder if there's a bear in this cave?"

A young woman sitting in front of an open book, head resting on her hand, looking bored.People who say "go big or go home" seriously underestimate my willingness to go home - like, it's literally my only goal for most of the day.

A young woman with very curly dark hair, tongue in cheek looking up and to her left.Mind-blowing - Every "C" in Pacific Ocean is pronounced differently.

  1. One-Liner #2048
  2. One-Liner #2047
  3. One-Liner #2046
  4. One-Liner #2045

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