One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

Close up of male hands on a steering wheel.My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday; that's the last time I get in the car with him driving.

Hits: 17

A man with dark hair, glasses and short-sleeved dress shirt & tie, sitting on the grass with his legs out straight.It's so annoying when people use the wrong word & don't have the humidity to admit it.

Hits: 15

A couple sitting at a restaurant table holding hands across the table. No faces are in the shot.My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?"

I said: "No. I keep telling them it's for you."

Hits: 58

A woman leaning against a log, legs outstretched, eyes closed, resting in the sun.After 50 you're like an old phone battery; even when you charge yourself overnight for 10 hours, by 10am you're at 60%.

Hits: 65

A woman with short red hair, a blue top and a hand over her mouth looking surprised.I'm not saying your perfume is too strong; I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

Hits: 74

A man in a striped shirt, looking directly at us with hands raised in a shrug.My wife is so far out of my league that the cashier put one of those plastic grocery dividers between our stuff like we weren't even together.

Hits: 73

The head & shoulders photo of a woman in her 40s, short brown hair, grey sweater, looking directly at us with a blank expression.I've taken so many "before" photos when starting new diets that now I just have a slideshow of myself getting fatter.

Hits: 87

A close-up photo of a young woman looking directly at us, head resting on her palm, fingers curled into her cheek.We're really out here living the most difficult section of someone's 2060 history exam.

Hits: 112

A man in a short-sleeved green shirt with a blue tie and light brown pants sitting on the grass with legs outstretched.If you fill a piñata with ketchup, you never have to host a children's birthday party again.

Hits: 104

A photo of a group of about 30 white and brown hunting dogs standing on dirt in the woods.I started a company where you can borrow hunting dogs for the afternoon; it's called, "We Lease the Hounds!"

Hits: 95

A woman with a long braid and a blue shirt, holding her chin & looking up to her left, thinking.I told my daughter to check her attitude, and she responded,

"For complaints about attitude, please contact the manufacturer."

Hits: 185

A young man with a red & brown checked shirt, hands behind his head, looking at us in surprise.Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.

Hits: 123

An elderly woman walking along a street looking off to her left.I went to the doctor thinking I had arthritis ... He said it's early onset rigor mortis.

Hits: 132

A middle-aged man in the middle of a big lawn.Me and my wife used to fall asleep watching movies together; now we fall asleep trying to pick one.

Hits: 102

A close-up of strawberries on a counter - stems still on, uncut, piled high.A neighbor suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries. Tried it. I'm going back to heavy cream!

Hits: 127
  1. One-Liner #2022
  2. One-Liner #2021
  3. One-Liner #2020
  4. One-Liner #2019

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