Entertainment

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.  They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible.  Now she can't see very well.  So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible.  It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him.  Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.

"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge.  I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.

"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel.  I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes.  And that driver is so rude!  He's a pain!"

"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"

Heard by the computer help desk:

A customer couldn't get on the Internet:

Helpdesk: "Are you sure you used the right password?"

Customer: "Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."

Helpdesk: "Can you tell me what the password was?"

Customer: "Five stars."

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Helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?"

Customer: "A white one."

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Customer: "Hi, this is Rose. I can't get my diskette out."

Helpdesk: "Have you tried pushing the button?"

Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck."

Helpdesk: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note."

Customer: "No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry..."

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Helpdesk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen."

Customer: "Your left or my left?"

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Helpdesk: "Good day. How may I help you?"

Male customer: "Hello, I can't print."

Helpdesk: "Would you click on start for me and..."

Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"

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Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it."

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Customer: "I have problems printing in red."

Helpdesk: "Do you have a color printer?"

Customer: "Aaaah... Thank you."

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Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore."

Helpdesk: "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?"

Customer: "No. I can't get behind the computer."

Helpdesk: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back."

Customer: "Okay."

Helpdesk: "Did the keyboard come with you?"

Customer: "Yes."

Helpdesk: "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?"

Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ahh, that one works!"

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Helpdesk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'."

Customer: "Is that '7' in capital letters?"

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Helpdesk: "What anti-virus program do you use?"

Customer: "Netscape."

Helpdesk: "That's not an anti-virus program."

Customer: "Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer."

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Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!"

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Helpdesk: "How may I help you?"

Customer: "I'm writing my first e-mail."

Helpdesk: "Okay, and what seems to be the problem?"

Customer: "Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?"

Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.

A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.

A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.

A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."

An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."

A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."

"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."

When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."

One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."

An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"

10.  "EEEEEKKK!!!!!!"

9.  "Exterminator down!  Exterminator down!  Send backup!!!  Extermin..."

8.  "The GOOD news is...  you have termites."

7.  "Do you happen to have a large net?"

6.  "You know, I'm also a taxidermist."

5.  "Ma'am, I'm afraid you need to let me take the oatmeal raisin cookies with me."

4.  "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

3.  "Hi, I'm Willie Nelson and I'll be your exterminator today."

2.  "Bend over.  Your wife, too."

1.  "Shazbot!  I accidentally killed Mindy!"