Entertainment

10. Apologize to neighbors about the tripwire incident...offer to replace dog.

9. Take up pork & beans skeet shooting.

8. Gather recipes for Spam, dehydrated potatoes, and crow.

7. Cancel subscription to Stockpilers Quarterly, but keep the free can opener.

6. Convert weapons back to semi-auto.

5. Pitch "1000 Ideas for Wheat Gluten" to Martha Stewart's people.

4. Return 753 videos to Blockbuster.

3. Water yard...one lousy gallon at a time.

2. Find grocery store receipt for 10,000 packets of Ramen noodles.

1. Make friends with the 6 billion other Y2K survivors.

Members of the Methodist women's church circle in one Wisconsin town some years ago were disturbed because a widowed church member and her three small daughters were staying away from services.  Finding the reason to be a lack of suitable clothes, the ladies' group corrected the situation in a generous manner.

When the little girls still failed to appear at Sunday School, some of the ladies called to inquire about their absence.  The mother thanked them sweetly for the clothing and explained: "The girls looked so nice, I sent them to the Presbyterian church!"

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman.  He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr.  Williams.  I've known you since you were a young boy.  And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.  You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned.  Not knowing what else to do he pointed across he room and asked, "Mrs.  Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do.  I've known Mr.  Bradley since he was a youngster, too.  I used to baby-sit him for his parents.  And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me.  He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.  The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.  Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.  In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"