Entertainment

...they don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

...all the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

...before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

...if you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

...you cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

...before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

...the Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

...when they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

...the Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

...you ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."

...no movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes

...you see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

...all the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel

While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.

When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic.

I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.  Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.  The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe  whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.

During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"