Entertainment

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.  Neither could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along approaching an intersection, the stoplight was red but they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and that light was red too.  Again they went right though.  This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through.  The passenger turned to the other woman and said, "
Mildred!  Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row!  You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.

There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left.  The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.

After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late.  The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch.  The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place.  He took out his book and read the service.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank."

From a reference letter . . .

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That [goober] was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly reread only the odd numbered lines.

Here is an all purpose excuse form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!

Dear

a) Mom,

b) Dad,

c) love of my life,

d) Assistant Principal,

e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) car

b) house

c) pet

d) espresso maker

e) left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile

b) puerile

c) inept

d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic

e) woefully under appreciated prank

How could I have known that the

a) car

b) jet ski

c) large helium balloon

d) rodent driven sledge

e) Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house,

b) wife,

c) Cub Scout troop,

d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,

e) priceless collection of antique knitting needles,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine,

b) fathom,

c) comprehend,

d) appreciate,

e) pay for,

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me,

b) sue me,

c) spank me,

d) take my firstborn,

e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at

a) school

b) work

c) church

d) the bowling alley

e) the municipal jail

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend

b) child

c) sibling

d) lease co-signer

e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid.

b) was so silly.

c) would have been funny if it worked.

d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.

e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Enter name here (or alias): ________________________