Entertainment

An extremely red-faced man stormed into the tiny shop on the corner of Lingot and Main.

Pushing his way past the assorted browsers, he bore down on the sales counter like a Scud missile.

The lone clerk regarded him with some trepidation.

I want to speak to the manager,'' he demanded.

''I'm sorry Sir, Mr. Mowbray isn't in today. Is there anything I can help you with?'' "You're right there is," he sputtered.

He reached into his pants pocket, extracted a tattered wallet and slammed it down on the counter.

''I bought this piece of garbage here only two months ago and now look at it. It's falling apart. Forty-nine ninety-five it cost me! Forty-nine ninety-five,''he added for more emphasis. "Can you believe that?'' His face was getting redder.

The clerk wasn't sure what to say to him. She only hoped the top of his head stayed put.

She picked up the wallet and examined it.

''Yes, Sir, it certainly isn't in very good shape. And you say you've only had it for two months?"

''That's what I said. Two months and it falls apart. And you know what else?'' ''No,'' she answered cautiously. ''What?'' ''It isn't even leather. You ripped me off. It looks like leather, feels like leather, even smells like it. But I'm a monkey's uncle if it is. And you charge me almost fifty dollars for it."

He was sputtering badly now.

''That's highway robbery and I don't intend to let you get away with it.'' ''Well ... what exactly are you looking for?"

"I want my money back, every cent of it.'' “Do you have your receipt?'' He opened the wallet and produced the slip.

She examined it.

“I’m afraid there's nothing I can do.'' The top of his head seemed to rise above his crimson ears.

”What do you mean?” he bellowed. ''I have my receipt, the goods were defective and I want restitution.

Do you understand?"

''Yes, of course I understand but as I just told you, there's nothing I can do.” She was more confident now.

”What kind of store is this? I buy something in good faith and when it falls apart prematurely you refuse to give me satisfaction. Is that the kind of operation you're running?"

"It's not that simple Sir. We are indeed a reputable firm but in this case, well, ... I'm sorry.'' His sputtering had shifted into high gear and he was showering the clerk with spit.

”Sorry ... sorry? That's all? Perhaps you'd explain just why you insist on treating me like this."

She pointed to the receipt.

"Did you read the fine print?'' He was dumbfounded.

”What fine print?"

''Here, just below the total."

She pointed to it like a teacher in a class of maddeningly slow learners.

''See,'' she said, ”All Sales Are Vinyl.''

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

During the weeks before Jill's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.

"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN, then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."

The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.

When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."

Where Professionals Go On Vacation

Artists: Painted Desert, Arizona

Athletes: Olympia Heights, Florida

Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana

College Professors: University City, Missouri

Ecologists: Green Bay Wisconsin

Firefighters: Smokey Mountains

Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia

Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas

Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama

Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania

Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii

Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan

Lawyers: Accident, Maryland

Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska

Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California

Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York

Optometrists: Plainview, New York

Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Pianists: Florida Keys

Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah

Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas

Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado

Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland

Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia

Sailors: Marina, California

Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa

Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey

TV Evangelists: Paradise, California