Entertainment

Larry was tall and laconic so, of course, he hated to waste words.

"Why use two? One will do," he was frequently heard to ask. People giving him simple conversation were likely to hear, "Too much, too long. Shorter."

This is a rapid way to lose friends, but Larry was unable to change his verbally sparse and alienating ways.

This irritating habit was expended on everyone. When repairs were necessary to his house, the service people were subjected to the same language truncations.

One day the kitchen garbage disposer plugged up and he had to call he plumber. The Yellow Pages indicated Jake The Plumber had a marvelous new piece of equipment to solve such problems, so Jake was called.

When Jake got to the house, he asked, "Where is your plumbing problem?"

Larry replied, "Too much, too long. Shorter."

Jake asked, "Where?" and Larry pointed to the problem.

Larry asked, "How much?"

Jake replied, "Well, usually kitchen drain unstopping costs $100, but..."

"Too much, too long. Shorter."

"Fifty bucks."

"O. K."

Jake went out and brought in a large piece of equipment, attached a hose, and turned on a massive vacuum generator. Very quickly, the problem was solved.

Larry paid the bill, and as Jake was packing to leave, Larry asked, "How works?" and he pointed to the equipment.

Larry said, "Well, my apparatus generates a large vacuum, and..."

"Too much, too long. Shorter."

"How many words?" asked Jake.

"Three, no more."

"O. K." Jake replied. "Sucked sink."

(By Alan B. Combs)

A pastor's church was getting too large for him to cover all of the duties so he had a clone made of himself. All was going well, he could be in two hospitals at once praying for the sick, attend two meetings at the same time, this was his answer for his busy life.

Suddenly, the genes went crazy and the cloned preacher's personality changed. He started making passes towards women, yelling at drivers who cut him off, and making obscene gestors. This concerned the pastor so he and the clone took a day off and went to the Sears Tower, ate lunch, and enjoyed the view from the top.

While the clone was looking at the skyline through the telescope, the pastor pushed him over the side and that was the end of the clone. When the pastor left the building and walked past the crowd that had gathered, the police stopped him and placed him under arrest. "Under arrest"?? What's the charge?

Making an obscene clone fall.

Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the electronic and computer age:

Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won't ever connect at 56k.

Micro-CHiPs: Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.

Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.

T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.

The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.

The AOL-Team: Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. TT unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism.

Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be seduced by the wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak 'n' Spell?

The Incredible Bulk: The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing.

It had been a horrible week for Henry.

An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university, he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always packed, and two years ago he was honored by the undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.

No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a successful research project in several years. The last paper that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of "Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation, particularly for a non-tenured professor.

The week started with a shock. He received notice that his research grants would not be renewed for the coming year. And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless he had a paper accepted for publication by a major entomology journal before the end of the school year.

Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the past, this had always had been effective in relieving tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a parasite. But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals, not plants. He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before. He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect.

Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure. And, he received a new major grant to study this new species.

You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.