Entertainment

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!"

I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly vistors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.

One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?"

Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb. Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?"

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets the first patient and the patient replies, "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain of the puddin race, Aboon them a you take your place, As langs my airm."

Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient responds, "Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant, "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timerous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "What kind of facility is this? Is it a mental ward?"

"No" replies the doctor, "This is a serious Burns unit."

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables one year. When she picks her crop in the Autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them and cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce and they taste wonderful.

After eating them for a week she notices two things. Firstly, her lips are full and glossy, unchapped, uncracked and require absolutely no lip gloss to make them look full and pouty.

Secondly she has really awful bad breath and even her cat won't come near her.

Pleased with her lips however, and spotting a money making idea, she contacts a big cosmetics company and explains about the lip enhancing qualities of her cauliflower crop.

After a month of testing, the company buy the entire crop of cauliflowers for a phenomenal amount and it requests Mary grows some more as soon as possible.

The company proceed to make lipstick out of them but experience problems in the the final product manufacture. The lipstick does not gel correctly into a solid stick and ends up crumbling upon application. Quality controllers also find that, even as a lipstick, the bad breath remains and have to put it down as an unfortunate side effect.

As they are nearing their production deadline and adverts for this new wonder lip enhancer have hit the streets, the cosmetics company have no choice but to produce the packaging with the following caution.

Poppins' Pop-up Lip enhancer:

Super Cauli, Fragile Lipstick - Expect Halitosis.