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Entertainment

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #4413 - December 23, 2018

  Issue #4413     The Cybersalt Digest

 

   
               

Cybersalt News

transformational loveSunday greetings everyone!

As this is the last Cybersalt Digest to go out before Christmas Day, on behalf of Grandma Cybersalt and myself I wish you a blessed and peace filled Christmas!

I am mindful of the reality that this newsletter goes out to people in all stages of life and all seasons of life. Christmas, like other things that do not change from year to year, makes us keenly aware of those different stages and seasons. Often, but not always, sadness and sorrow are stirred as a result.

Such is the case for part of our hearts this season. We are missing a dear family friend who recently passed away a few weeks short of his 50th birthday. He was a father-in-law to our daughter and grandfather to one of our granddaughters. In the past we celebrated many joys with him, his wife and their 8 children. Now we share in the heartache of his absence.

When things that do not change stir up emotions because of what has changed, I find comfort in the hope and promise of Jesus whom the Bible describes as "the same yesterday, today, and forever." (Hebrews 13:8) At Christmastime that reality brings me back to ground zero of why Jesus was born in Bethlehem. As Roy Lessin put it:

"If our greatest need had been information,God would have sent us an educator.
If our greatest need had been technology,God would have sent us a scientist.
If our greatest need had been money,God would have sent us an economist.
If our greatest need had been pleasure,God would have sent us an entertainer.
But our greatest need was forgiveness,so God sent us a Saviour."

Regardless of stage or season, Christmas reminds us that in Jesus we can find satisfaction for our greatest need: forgiveness and a restored relationship with our Creator.

So again, from our hearts to yours, may the blessings and peace of Christ rest upon and within you.

~ Pastor Tim

 P.S.

Rev. James Snyder recently got some unexpected help with his to-do list and that helped him remember some important things about wisdom. You can read "Oh Wisdom, Wherefore Art Thou?" at:
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/oh-wisdom-wherefore-art-thou

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

     



Today's CleanLaugh

Parents' Night Before Christmas

christmas giftsThe REAL Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town-house to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes,
my heart skipped a beat -
let no parts be missing
or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet, they were scattered about.

"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded ...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!



Today's One Liner

One-liner #1341

woman winkIt's almost time to switch from my everyday anxiety to my fancy Christmas anxiety!



Today's Clean Pun

Carol Pie

italian pizzaHow does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.



Today's Quote

Quote #1783

 quote 1783

"Christians believe in the virgin birth of Jesus.
Materialists believe in the virgin birth of the cosmos.
Choose your miracle."

- Glen Scrivener


Today's Illustration

I Heard the Bells

LongfellowHenry Wadsworth Longfellow was filled with sorrow at the tragic death of his wife in a fire in 1861. The Civil War broke out that same year, and it seemed this was an additional punishment. Two years later, Longfellow was again saddened to hear his own son had been seriously wounded as a lieutenant in the Army of the Potomac.

Sitting down to his desk, one Christmas Day, he heard the church bells ringing, and ringing. It was in this setting he wrote:


I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair, I bowed my head
There is no peace on earth I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep,
God is not dead, nor doth he sleep.
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.

At this Christmas time whether you are in sorrow or in joy you can know that God is not dead, nor doth He sleep. He knows your every need and longs to comfort you and be that special One you need. Seek Him this year instead of the outward manifestations of the season. He will give life real meaning and your heart real peace - the peace that passes all understanding.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.

     

Parents' Night Before Christmas

christmas giftsThe REAL Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
when all through the house
I searched for the tools
to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied
and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town-house to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

  • Christmas Jokes

Read more: Parents' Night Before Christmas

Carol Pie

italian pizzaHow does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

  • Clean Puns
  • Music Puns
  • Christmas Puns

One-liner #1341

woman winkIt's almost time to switch from my everyday anxiety to my fancy Christmas anxiety!

  • Christmas Jokes
  • Christmas Humor
  • Holiday Jokes
  • Christmas One-liners

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #4412 - December 20, 2018

  Issue #4412     The Cybersalt Digest

 

   
               

Cybersalt News

Chicken Thursday dec 20Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

A windstorm and power outage prevented me from adding Rev. James Snyder's latest commentary to the Cybersalt site last Sunday. I'm happy to report it's on there now, though it may stir up a bit of different storm for some. It seems James has been offending people recently so if does that's just in keeping with how his December is going. You can read"My Little Dear, It’s Not Warm Outside!" at:
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/my-little-dear-it-s-not-warm-outside

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

~ Pastor Tim

     



Today's CleanLaugh

Wrapping Presents With A Cat

cats two1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.

3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.

7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.

14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore paper.

15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.

16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.

17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.

18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.

19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.

22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.

24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.

25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.

26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.

29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.

30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.

31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)

32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.

33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.

34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.

36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.

38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.

39. Vow to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the thing for you.



Today's One Liner

One-liners #1340

binocularsPrecision is a fuzzy concept.



Today's Clean Pun

Nog So Sure

eggnogNot sure if you like eggnog or not?

Eggnogstic!



Today's Quote

Quote #1782

 quote 1782

"What kind of plan ever goes this far?
What kind of mercy puts itself at ours?
What kind of maker walks the earth he made
From a cradle to a cross
And leaves an empty grave?
What kind of love?

- Carolyn Arends


Today's Illustration

Christmas To-Do List

to do list1. Buy Presents  Be Present

2. Wrap Gifts  Someone in a Hug

3. Send Gifts Peace

4. Shop for Food - Donate Food

5. Make Cookies  Love

6. See the lights Be the light

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.

     
  1. Attempted Homicide
  2. Wrapping Presents With A Cat
  3. One-liners #1340
  4. Nog So Sure

Subcategories

Clean Jokes Article Count:  3626

Each day, enjoy a CleanLaugh here. Want the latest clean jokes e-mailed directly to you?  Subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest at www.cybersaltlists.org.

 

ss secret

The Best Kept Secret Ever!

July 06, 2015 Entertainment Pastor Tim
This husband and wife decided to have some fun and surprise all their friends and family with the big news of not just gender, but having twins.
ss mothers day

An Open Letter to Moms from Kid President

July 06, 2015 Entertainment Pastor Tim
This one goes out to moms! Spoken by someone who knows.
ss tire ski jump

Tire Ski Jump

Jun 29, 2015 Hits: 4639
 

Christmas Jokes Article Count:  77

a picture of christmas ballsWe think Cybersalt's collection of Christmas jokes is the best collection on the net. Right now it features over 70 jokes.

If you've got a Christmas joke we don't yet have, please send it to us so we can add to the collection!

Your Turn to Be Funny Article Count:  3

It's your turn to be funny.  Submit your funny caption today.

Funny Elephant Pictures Article Count:  16

Are you looking for funny elephant pictures?  You've come to the right place!

Cybersalt Digest Archive Article Count:  1559

Games Article Count:  15

Here are the games we have on the site so far.  There aren't many but they're loads of fun.

Funny Pictures Article Count:  679

Cybersalt's funny pictures collection has been years in the making and continues to grow.  We are also in the process of moving images over from our old site so check back often.  Don't forget to check out our funny cat pictures, funny dog pictures, funny elephant pictures, and take your turn to be funny.

Funny Car Pictures Article Count:  169

Here's where we keep our funny car pictures.

Funny Cat Pictures Article Count:  231

catmelonhead150x127.jpgOver the years, some of the most popular pages on the Cybersalt site have featured Funny Cat Pictures. We have to admit that even though cats often look at humans like they owe the feline world something (remember dogs have owners and cats have staff), cats aren't as bad as a lot of the press that they get.

And so, whether you are a cat lover or tolerator, we hope you enjoy these funny cat pictures. And, of course, if you have any funny cat pictures you want to share with the world, feel free to send them to us to post here.

  

 

ss secret

The Best Kept Secret Ever!

July 06, 2015 Entertainment Pastor Tim
This husband and wife decided to have some fun and surprise all their friends and family with the big news of not just gender, but having twins.
ss mothers day

An Open Letter to Moms from Kid President

July 06, 2015 Entertainment Pastor Tim
This one goes out to moms! Spoken by someone who knows.
ss tire ski jump

Tire Ski Jump

Jun 29, 2015 Hits: 4639

 

 

 

Funny Dog Pictures Article Count:  149

dog_maggie.jpgSome say the world can be divided into two types - cat people and dog people. For the cat people of the planet, Cybersalt has the Funny Cat Archive. For the dog people we have this Funny Dog Pictures archive.

It's dedicated to the memory of Maggie - Pastor Tim and family's dog. The SPCA rescued Maggie from Manitoba's Red River flood in 1996 and brought her to British Columbia where she had two short term owners before becoming a part of the Davis household where she preferred adults over kids, picked and ate fruit from trees in the backyard, and very rarely went into water at the beach.

Funny Horse Pictures Article Count:  24

Here's our funny horse pictures collection.

Funny Christmas Pictures Article Count:  53

christmas cakeWe think Cybersalt's Funny Christmas Pictures Collection is the best on the net.

We hope you'll enjoy each one and share them with your online family and friends.

Merry Christmas!

Pearly Gates Jokes Article Count:  544

Here are some clean, theologically incorrect jokes.  Most of them have been featured in the PearlyGates section of the free Cybersalt Digest Newsletter - which you can subscribe to by clicking here.

FunBlog Article Count:  534

When Pastor Tim finds (or puts) fun things on the net, he posts them here.  If you would like to be updated when new things are added, just subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest Newsletter. Enjoy!

Cartoons Article Count:  3119

These are some of our favorite cartoons.

Backpew Article Count:  2944

Clean Puns Article Count:  1986

Our collection of puns.

 

ss secret

The Best Kept Secret Ever!

July 06, 2015 Entertainment Pastor Tim
This husband and wife decided to have some fun and surprise all their friends and family with the big news of not just gender, but having twins.
ss mothers day

An Open Letter to Moms from Kid President

July 06, 2015 Entertainment Pastor Tim
This one goes out to moms! Spoken by someone who knows.
ss tire ski jump

Tire Ski Jump

Jun 29, 2015 Hits: 4639

 

Funny Signs Article Count:  167

Our collection of funny signs.

One-liners Article Count:  2041

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners! 

Chicken Humor Article Count:  1

Chickens have grown to have a special place in Cybersalt's heart! 

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