Issue #4438
Cybersalt News
Sunday greetings everyone!
Ooops! (again) I just went to send this mailing and see that Thursday's mailings did not go out. As the caveman once said, "Ugggh." I'll just send last Thursday's out next Thursday. In the meantime here is today's Sunday mailing and not last Sunday's mailing today.
Rev. James Snyder did not send me a new article this week so I dusted off and updated an old one on the site from 15 years ago! In the article he reminisces about an eccentric senior lady in a previous congregation he pastored as a young man. You can read "Learn To Recognize The Source of All Blessings" at
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/learn-to-recognize-the-source-of-all-blessings
Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!
Today's CleanLaugh
Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work
~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.
~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
~ I prefer to remain an enigma.
~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
Today's One Liner
One-liner #1366
I used to think that marriage was a 50 - 50 proposition ... until I realized that I knew nothing about women or fractions.
- Walter McLauren
Today's Clean Pun
Places to Go
I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito either. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there. I have made several trips.
Today's Quote
Quote #1808
"Patience is not about how long you wait, it is about how well you behave while you are waiting."
- Unknown
Today's Illustration
Grad School Romance
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a new computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"
Dave then got down on bended knee.
"Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.