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"Diary of A House Husband"

This week I am at home & playing house husband.  My wife left a list of things I need to do.  This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

1).  Make the beds......  What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight.  Forget that Scratch one.

2).  Pick up dog poop in yard.......  It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop?  Scratch two.

3).  Drop your shirts off at the cleaners.......  Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them.  Scratch three.  This is easy, what's the fuss.  Think I'll go on the computer for a while.

4).  Clean out Tupperware cabinet.......  Uhhhh that's a hard one.  GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed.  Scratch four.

5).  Mop kitchen floor.....  The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me.  Scratch five.  Good doggie go play in the yard.  She just loves rolling in the snow.

6).  Find something fun for the kids to do.....  That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun.  Scratch six.  This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for the computer
7).  Vacuum the carpets......  That's a hard one.......  Hey kids wanna have some more FUN.  Scratch seven.

8).  Feed kids lunch.....  Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too?
YESSSS Scratch eight !!

9).  Clean out hallway closet......  Hmmmm another hard one.  That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door.  Outta sight outta mind.  Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed.  Scratch nine.  Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time.  Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat.  Taaa daaa no lunch dishs
10).  Do laundry.....  no problem I can do that while I'm on the computer Scratch ten.

11).  Fold laundry.....  dang Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears.  Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear??
Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool.  Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away....  Baskets in bedrooms work for me.  Scratch twelve.  This is way too easy.  Wonder why women always complain about house work???

13).  Water the Christmas tree...  Oppp's good thing the carpet is absorbent.
Scratch thirteen.

14).  Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper.......  These old newspapers willdo, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth....  Scratch fourteen.

15).  Pick up the kids ......  Yeah right; we're talking about my kidshere.
Parents will normally pay to drop them back off.  They'll be back.Scratch fifteen.  Wonder who's on the computer.  I have plenty of time.

16).  Make dinner.....  Easy, "Hello do you deliver ?  uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow".  Scratch sixteen.

17).  Clean out the dog house......  duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done.  Scratch seventeen.  WOW all done.  Still time for some more puter & a nap.......Man this is sooooo easy.

ONE MORNING I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

Because I am A Guy...

..I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV.  If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

..when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after hypothermia has set in.  Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.  If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

..when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.  You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

..I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread.  I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu."  For all I know these are the same thing.  And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up a copy of "Cosmo" or "Better Homes & Gardens."

..when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

..I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone.  Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how could HE know where we're going?

..you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.  Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

..I think what you're wearing is fine.  I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.  Either pair of shoes is fine.  With the belt or without it looks fine.  Your hair is fine.  You look fine.  Can we just go now?

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.” Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.