Entertainment

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

Dear Secretary of Agriculture,

My friends, Darryl and Janice, over at Jonestown, Oklahoma, received a check the other day for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.  So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business myself next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best type of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?  I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies.  I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.  If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 "not raised" hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the first year.  Then I can buy an airplane.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn.  I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat.  Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?  I want to get started not feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good time of the year to not raise hogs and grain.

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information on that also.  In view of these circumstances, I understand that the government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to file for unemployment and food stamps as well.

Be assured that you will have my vote in the coming elections.

Patriotically yours, Duster Benton

As my husband, the county highway commissioner, was driving to the hospital for treatment of his painful leg, he decided to use the valet parking service so he wouldn't have to walk far. Staring at his official-looking vehicle, one of the valets asked my husband if he was driving a government car.

"Why, yes," my husband replied, surprised by the question. "In fact it's an unmarked police car."

"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be the first time I've been in the front seat."

A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.  Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President.  The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00.  Mr.  President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money.

However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, they deducted $95.00.