Entertainment

I got some bad news today. You know the money you get from those ATM machines? It comes from *your* account!
Sharon Grubb

I don't care how much you and your cat love each other, if you were one inch smaller than the sweet little kitty, he'd eat you in a heartbeat.
Tom Gard

I'm really glad the guy who invented the Ray Gun was named Ray. Being shot with a Fred gun just wouldn't sound as cool.
Bob Neanover

If you sat a million monkeys down at a million computers, they might just fix this Y2K problem...oh wait, we're already doing that.
Darrell Hulshult

I think that someone must have surveillance equipment set up in my living room, because every once in a while, someone on the TV will tell me what channel I'm watching. That really freaks me out, you know?
Pam Stewart

My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working.
Fred Marcum

I'd always wondered what it would be like to live on the sun, until my mother-in-law suggested that pressing my face against a hot frying pan might give me an idea. Trust me, you *don't* want to move there.
Ted Moran

Why are aliens always portrayed as evil in movies? How do we know that there isn't an alien out there just waiting to share the recipe for "The Universe's Best Waffle Mix?"
Kevin Peck

Light sabers don't kill people. Jedis kill people.
Jim Clark

I'll bet the first convenience stores were nothing more than caves where you could buy sticks and rocks and microwave burritos.
Art Bugsch

Word to the Empire: The Death Star is impressive, but just be sure your maps are current.
Mike Weinhold

They say if you build a better mouse trap, the world will beat down your door. But usually, it's just one neighbor, and he'll probably quit once you stop throwing dead mice in his yard.
Don Giuliano

If I had to choose one incident that sparked my love, study, and eventual career in astronomy, it would be the first time I saw a picture of that planet-you know, the one with those neat space-rings around it.
Steve Patt

The computer's swallowed grandma

Yes' honestly' its true.

She pressed 'control' and 'enter'

And disappeared from view.

Its devoured her completely

The thought just makes me squirm.

Maybe she's caught a virus

Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin

And files of every kind.

I've even used the Internet

But nothing did I find.

In desperation I asked Jeeves

My searches to refine.

The reply from him was negative

Not a thing was found 'online'.

So, if inside your 'In Box'

My Grandma you should see.

Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' her

In an e-mail back to me.

I have a reputation for not being a fantastic cook. One evening I worked particularly hard on a new recipe, and once again it didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped.

My son, always sweet and conscious of my feelings, chose his words carefully after the meal. "Mom," he said, "that dinner was so good I thought someone else made it."

It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you know...when...you pass on?"

The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.

"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"

There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"