Entertainment

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm.  A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.  Steer clear of those named for landfills.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded.  Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour.  Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.
Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt.  It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping:
Shine a flashlight into one ear.  If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.  A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations.
The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.  The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

Every ten years, as summertime nears,

An announcement arrives in the mail,

A reunion is planned; it'll be really grand;

Make plans to attend without fail.

I'll never forget the first time we met;

We tried so hard to impress.

We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars,

And wore our most elegant dress.

It was quite an affair; the whole class was there.

It was held at a fancy hotel.

We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined,

And everyone thought it was swell.

The men all conversed about who had been first

To achieve great fortune and fame.

Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses

And how beautiful their children became.

The homecoming queen, who once had been lean,

Now weighed in at one-ninety-six.

The jocks who were there had all lost their hair,

And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.

No one had heard about the class nerd

Who'd guided a spacecraft to the moon;

Or poor little Jane, who's always been plain;

She married a shipping tycoon.

The boy we'd decreed "most apt to succeed"

Was serving ten years in the pen,

While the one voted "least" now was a priest;

Just shows you can be wrong now and then.

They awarded a prize to one of the guys

Who seemed to have aged the least.

Another was given to the grad who had driven

The farthest to attend the feast.

They took a class picture, a curious mixture

Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.

Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini;

You never saw so many thighs.

At our next get-together, no one cared whether

They impressed their classmates or not.

The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal;

By this time we'd all gone to pot.

It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores;

We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans.

Then most of us lay around in the shade,

In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.

By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear,

We were definitely over the hill.

Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed,

And be home in time for their pill.

And now I can't wait as they've set the date;

Our sixtieth is coming, I'm told.

It should be a ball, they've rented a hall

At the Shady Rest Home for the old.

Repairs have been made on my old hearing aid;

My pacemaker's been turned up on high.

My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled;

And I've bought a new wig and glass eye.

I'm feeling quite hearty; I'm ready to party,

I'll dance until dawn's early light.

It'll be lots of fun; and I hope at least one

Other person can make it that night.

Author Unknown

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

Because that's the way they've always done it and that's the way it's always been around here.

And that's how company policy begins....

A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks.

"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.

"It's going to be a barbecue."

"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue,"

"Not really; I live on the 12th floor."