Entertainment

True Calls to the IRS

Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.

IRS: Are you married?

Caller: Well, sort of ....

IRS: What?

Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.

Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.

IRS: What does it say?

Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.

Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.

IRS: Both. It's the same amount.

Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?

IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.

Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.

My son, Mitchell, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see.  One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched.  In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.  "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" I praised him.  "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.  "Mom?  How do you spell zilla?"

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him.

"Can't you do something?" she demanded angrily.

"I'm sorry ma'am," the Reverend said gently, "I'm in sales, not management."

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo.  He was a manly-man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.  One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright frock the captain led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the look-out again spotted not one but two pirate ships.  The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.  That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid."

All of the men sat in silence and marvelled at the courage of such a manly man.  As dawn came the next morning, the look-out once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching.  The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."