Entertainment

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."

"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."

Grandpa's Day Out

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris ", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years!  So how could you get lost ?  "

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear.  Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection.  A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.  The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.  It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.
With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

Once there was a man named Jim, who let his dog out to pee late one night.
He watched some TV, and then remembered to let the dog back in.  When he opened the door, he was shocked at what he saw!  In his dog's mouth was his neighbor's cat, dead!

"Bad dog!  BAD DOG!", said the panicked man.

He took the cat away and looked at it.  He couldn't bring himself to tell his neighbor what happened, so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the neighbour's porch.  He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood and dirt.  It took him forever.  He had to wash it four times to get it all cleaned.  He brushed it's beautiful white fur as he blow dried it, and put it's collar back on.  Since it was so dark, he snuck into the neighbor's yard, and laid the cat down on the porch, in front of the door.

The next day, he was on his way to the car to go to work and his neighbor was outside.

"Hi," he said.  "Hi," replied Jim, nervously.  His neighbor said, "something weird happened last night."

"Oh yeah?  What's that," asked Jim, sweating now.

"Well, my cat died yesterday, and we buried him, and this morning he was lying on my front porch!"