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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.  He has two large bags over his shoulders.  The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that.  Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.  He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens.  The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.  He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.  Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something.  It's driving me crazy.  It's all I think about.....  I can't sleep.  Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan answers, "Bicycles."

A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a 'birthday/anniversary card.' The clerk replied, 'We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?'

The man said, 'You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday.'

* They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.

* Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

* It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

* It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.

* The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

* They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.

* The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.

* Top speed is only about 45 mph.

* Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.

* It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

10. Apologize to neighbors about the tripwire incident...offer to replace dog.

9. Take up pork & beans skeet shooting.

8. Gather recipes for Spam, dehydrated potatoes, and crow.

7. Cancel subscription to Stockpilers Quarterly, but keep the free can opener.

6. Convert weapons back to semi-auto.

5. Pitch "1000 Ideas for Wheat Gluten" to Martha Stewart's people.

4. Return 753 videos to Blockbuster.

3. Water yard...one lousy gallon at a time.

2. Find grocery store receipt for 10,000 packets of Ramen noodles.

1. Make friends with the 6 billion other Y2K survivors.