Entertainment

A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.

The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read, "You Park - You Preach."

One day while driving with my then 4 year old daughter Melanie, I beeped the horn by mistake. 

She turned and looked at me for an explanation.

I said "I did that by accident."

She replied "I know that....'cause you didn't say JERK afterwards!"

Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.

A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.

"Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool..." and she went on and on. Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated:

"There are MEN in this place!"

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her.  They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants.  She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it.  Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide.  They wander into the next room.  She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it.  Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! 

The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide.  They wander further into the next room.  She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue.  Restful, peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it.  Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"! 

This is too much.  The woman has to ask.  So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four goobers laying sod across the street."