The man who stole an idol from the museum has been apprehended.
Baal has been set at $50,000.
For those of you who received a book from me for Christmas, they are due back to the Library on Tuesday.
In Today's Issue
Oh look, Chicken Thursday!
Happy New Year everybody; I pray that 2014 is a blessed one for you.
There is a new funny picture on the Cybersalt Site Today. You will find "Ducks In A Row" at:
www.cybersalt.org/3dkq
Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.) I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks. We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched The Walking Dead. I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill." I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up. I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium
One-liner #949
For those of you who received a book from me for Christmas, they are due back to the Library on Tuesday.
Baal has been set at $50,000.Crime Beat
The man who stole an idol from the museum has been apprehended.
Quote #1397
"You will never change your life until you change something you do daily."
- Mike Murdoch
The Passing Of The Year
I prepare to meet the New:
Old Year! a parting word that's true,
For we've been comrades, you and I --
I thank God for each day of you;
There! bless you now! Old Year, good-bye!
~ Robert Service
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.
In Today's Issue
Sunday greetings everyone!
Like many of you I have been busier than the North Pole Human Resources Department after an elf riot in the lunch room.
Today I turned my attention to the Cybersalt Digest and a major upgrade I've been wanting to accomplish. As you may have already noticed, not only does the Digest have a new look, its template is now also "responsive" - meaning easier reading on mobile devices and smart phones. This comes just in time to meet government targets for the great "Less Squinting in 2013" healthcare reform program.
Since Christmas is only 3 days away here are some relevant Cybersalt links to help you have merry minds - and merry souls:
Clean Christmas Jokes - www.cybersalt.org/wcc
Funny Christmas Pictures - www.cybersalt.org/aqw
Christmas Sermons - westsidefamily.org/messages/christmas/
What? Did you think I was pretending to be a pastor?
Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.
We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts. The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have "a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry." Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion...all things you may encounter this time of year. The one bright note in Dr. Litt's message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole dermatologist. But the news about your facial tint is only our latest source of concern. A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs - OBESITY: Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. We've seen the pictures; we've noticed you in the malls. And we've heard that your tummy shakes "like a bowlful of jelly" when you chuckle. On this, we'll take part of the blame. All these years, we've set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. With 102 million homes in the U.S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make an overnight snack of 2,000,000 cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk. Maybe it's time for Mrs. Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a Thighmaster. But be sure to consult a physician before beginning any exercise regimen. PIPE SMOKING: You've been pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in The New York Times once claimed it's only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said "the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath." According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and cigar smokers have twice a nonsmoker's risk for lung cancer, four times the risk for larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for cancers of the mouth and esophagus. Even if the pipe's just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it. Remember, you're not just a saint, you're a role model. STRESS: Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the emotional hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news A medical news service says laughter--as evidenced by your trademark "Ho, ho, ho"--is one of the best stress-busters going. SOOT: We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems. Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland (WA) said his people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective masks when they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot. RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY): Cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year we've noticed you're also receiving, and answering, e-mail on at least four Internet addresses. We applaud your move on to the information superhighway, with this caution: Too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and arms. DEER MITES: Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood (WA). Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed. FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA: You usually bundle up, and that's good. A Weather Service satellite recently showed the temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in minutes. MALL THUGS: You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a little tough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone. MEMORY TROUBLE: It's been said that you make a list, then check it twice. SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER): This time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you jolly. VIRAL INFECTIONS: A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is cold and flu season, don't you? JET LAG: Fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that travelers face when they cross through several times zones. And few travelers cross all 24 of them in one night, like you do. SLEIGH ACCIDENTS: We've seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and we'd sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through metropolitan areas, be sure to cover the load. You wouldn't want to have an accident that would boost your insurance rates would you. Which reminds us: You DO have insurance, don't you? Sincerely, Jack Brown Seattle, WashingtonWorried About Santa
Dear Santa,
Just being careful, or are you developing a little memory problem?
One-liner #948
Short in the front, long in the back . . . pickup trucks are the mullets of automobiles.
Little Joker Boy
The little joker boy: pa rum pa pum pum ba dump bump.
Quote #1396
“Waiting is an art that our impatient age has forgotten. It wants to break open the ripe fruit when it has hardly finished planting the shoot. But all too often the greedy eyes are only deceived; the fruit that seemed so precious is still green on the inside, and disrespected hands ungratefully toss aside what has so disappointed them.”
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, God Is in the Manger: Reflections on Advent and Christmas
He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends (naming them one by one). Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sis, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the potatoes, the rolls, the butter, the drinks. Then it was on to the desserts, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited--and waited. Finally his mother told him to go on and thank God for the broccoli (the only item he hadn't mentioned yet). After a bit longer silence, the young fellow looked up at his mom and said, "I can't! But I know I should, so I don't know what to do!" "What do you mean, dear?" asked his mother. "Since it's Jesus' birthday, I bet he's listening closer than usual," said the boy. "So if I thank God for the broccoli, he'll know that I'm lying, won't he?"Broccoli Grace
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to give thanks before the family's Christmas Eve dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.
The little joker boy: pa rum pa pum pum ba dump bump.
Each day, enjoy a CleanLaugh here. Want the latest clean jokes e-mailed directly to you? Subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest at www.cybersaltlists.org.
We think Cybersalt's collection of Christmas jokes is the best collection on the net. Right now it features over 70 jokes.
If you've got a Christmas joke we don't yet have, please send it to us so we can add to the collection!
It's your turn to be funny. Submit your funny caption today.
Cybersalt's funny pictures collection has been years in the making and continues to grow. We are also in the process of moving images over from our old site so check back often. Don't forget to check out our funny cat pictures, funny dog pictures, funny elephant pictures, and take your turn to be funny.
Here's where we keep our funny car pictures.
Over the years, some of the most popular pages on the Cybersalt site have featured Funny Cat Pictures. We have to admit that even though cats often look at humans like they owe the feline world something (remember dogs have owners and cats have staff), cats aren't as bad as a lot of the press that they get.
And so, whether you are a cat lover or tolerator, we hope you enjoy these funny cat pictures. And, of course, if you have any funny cat pictures you want to share with the world, feel free to send them to us to post here.
Some say the world can be divided into two types - cat people and dog people. For the cat people of the planet, Cybersalt has the Funny Cat Archive. For the dog people we have this Funny Dog Pictures archive.
It's dedicated to the memory of Maggie - Pastor Tim and family's dog. The SPCA rescued Maggie from Manitoba's Red River flood in 1996 and brought her to British Columbia where she had two short term owners before becoming a part of the Davis household where she preferred adults over kids, picked and ate fruit from trees in the backyard, and very rarely went into water at the beach.
Here's our funny horse pictures collection.
We think Cybersalt's Funny Christmas Pictures Collection is the best on the net.
We hope you'll enjoy each one and share them with your online family and friends.
Merry Christmas!
When Pastor Tim finds (or puts) fun things on the net, he posts them here. If you would like to be updated when new things are added, just subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest Newsletter. Enjoy!
Our collection of puns.
Our collection of funny signs.
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Chickens have grown to have a special place in Cybersalt's heart!
