Entertainment

While working in a clothing store, I noticed that people had no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn. One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer hanging on the rack with other returns.

"People return the most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who was standing nearby.

Eyebrow raised, she said, "That's my jacket."

Do you realize that the only time in our lives
when we like to get old is when we're kids?

If you're less than 10 years old,
you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half "....
You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!

That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number.
How old are you?
"I'm gonna be 16."
You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens....
you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony....
you BECOME 21...YES!!!

But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk....
He TURNED, we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What changed??
You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
then you're PUSHING 40.....
stay over there, it's all slipping away........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50.....and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60.....you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60......
then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing.
After that, you HIT Wednesday....
You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch.
You TURN 4:30,
my grandmother won't even buy green bananas...
it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there....
into the 90's you start going backwards....
I was JUST 92...

Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100,
you become a little kid again....
"I'm 100 and a half!!!!"

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.

"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. --Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter bullet. --Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. --Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H.L. Mencken

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867