Entertainment

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner...

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

Rev. Jones shocked the congregation when he announced his resignation from the church and planned move to Arizona...

After the service a very distraught Mrs. Williams came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bill, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said, "Now, now, Liz, don't carry on so... The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me."

"Yeah", she cried, "That's what Pastor Mike said when he left!"

Here are some actual maintenance complaints generally known as squawks or problems submitted recently by Qantas pilots to maintenance engineers.  After attending to the squawks prior to the aircraft's next flight, the maintenance crews are required to log the details of action taken as a solution to the pilots squawks.  The following are some recent squawks and subsequent responses by maintenance crews.

(P) is the problem logged by the pilot, and (S) marks the solution and action taken by maintenance engineers.

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on backorder.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for!!

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine three found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!!

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.