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This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment........and they hired him!  As what?

1. NAME: Greg Bulmash

2. DESIRED POSITION: Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's available.  If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

3. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

4. EDUCATION: Yes.

5. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

6. SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

7. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

8. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

9. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

10. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

11. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

12. DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING (UP TO 50 LBS)?: Of what?

13. DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"

14. HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

15. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

16. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

17. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of the US is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving
19million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

~ Never squat with your spurs on!

~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman....
Neither one works.

~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew.
Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.

~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.  The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

~ Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

~ Always drink upstream from the herd.

~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.
It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Dear Mom,

Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.  We are OK.  Only 2 of our tents and 4 sleeping bags got washed away.  Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Jeff when it happened.  Oh yes, please call Jeff's mother and tell her he is OK.  He can't write because of the cast.  I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps.  It was neat.

We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.  Scoutmaster Web got mad at Hector for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.  Hector said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.  Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?  The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did.  Also some of our clothes.  Larry is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed.  It wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it.  We think it's a neat car.  He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate.  It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.  Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy.  Don't worry, he is a good driver.  In fact, he is teaching brother Doug how to drive.  But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.  All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Jeff was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.  It was great.  You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.  Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.  He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.  He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what?  We have all passed our first aid merit badges.  When Rob dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.  Also Bruce and I threw up.  Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison.  I'm so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster.  He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now.  We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.

Don't worry about anything.  We are fine.

Love, Dave