Entertainment

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.

- Problem Drinking at Work? Solved.

My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that you'd grown?" I asked him.

"Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk."

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

Dear Son,

I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast.  We don't live where we did when you left.  Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved.  I won't be able to send you the address, cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine.  The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle and haven't seen them since.  It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.  The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you.

The family is fine.  Your Father, he has a lovely job.  He has about 500 men under him.  He is cutting grass down at the cemetary.  Your sister had a baby this morning.  I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.  We got a bill from the funeral home the other day.  They said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.  Billy Bob was driving and Willie and Joe was in the back.  Billy Bob got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety.  The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down.  Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat.  Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned.  We Cremated him and he burned for three days.

Not much more news this time.  Nothin' much happened.  Write more often.

Love, Mom

P.S.  I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.