Entertainment

On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport.

Tania headed for the British passport control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit.

"Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon."

The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. "That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most men bring their wives with them."

If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic.  For example:

Reasons Not To Wash

1.  I was forced to as a child.

2.  People who make soap are only after your money.

3.  I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.

4.  People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.

5.  There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.

6.  I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.

7.  None of my friends wash.

8.  The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.

9.  I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.

10.  I can't spare the time

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.

"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."

"Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."

*30 Minutes To A Cleaner House*

You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this is NOT for you. However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.

SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom. Time: 2 seconds

SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes,
tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss. Time: 2-3 minutes

SECRET TIP 3: OVENS If you think ovens are just for baking, think again.  Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means
they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming. Time: 2 minutes

SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here. Time: 2.5 minutes

SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger. Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to
help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.) Time: 4 minutes

SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around. Time: 3 minutes

SECRET TIP 8: DISHES Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to do any. Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING (EEWWW) This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ...if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rewear it. CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck. Time: 3 seconds

SECRET TIP 10: IRONING If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling
your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the
30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy. Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair)

SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too
long and no one looks there anyway. Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only

SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt. Time: 10 seconds

SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over
the course of a lifetime. Time: 0

SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS Forget one and two. Concentrate on three. Time: 1 minute

SECRET TIP 15: If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home.