Entertainment

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents :

1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California & then take the train to Hawaii ?"

3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in South Africa."

Her response was "click".

4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He Replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"

I said, "No."

He said, "But they look so close on the Map."

6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of Time zones.

Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who ?"

I said, "No, why do you ask?"

She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection ?"

After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these stupid planes have numbers on them."

10. A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."

I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.

She said, "Yeah, whatever."

11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

I double-checked and sure enough, his stay needs a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

12. A woman called to make reservations.

"I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York."

The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or "Hickbonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.  A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone.

The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence.  Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida.  Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh.  Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart.  See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed...must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert.  He ain't thanked but a minnit' n'is laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City...  view?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.

"Car Names Explained"

(My car is in here so don't be offended if yours is too!)

AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW - Big Money Works

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

Break My Window

BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips

Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time

Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology

DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere

Dead or Dying Gas Eater

Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express

FIAT - Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

Fix It All the Time

Fix it again, Tony!

FORD - First On Recall Day

First On Race Day

First On Rust and Deterioration

Fix Or Repair Daily

Found On Road, Dead

Fault Of R&D

Fast Only Rolling Downhill

Found On Russian Dump

GM - General Maintenance

Great Mistake

GMC - Garage Man's Companion

Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA - Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere,

Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

PINTO - Put in new transmission often

PONTIAC - poor old Neanderthal thinks it's a Cadillac

SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back

Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners

VW - Virtually Worthless

Before you get to today’s supersized CleanLaugh, a bit down this e-mail (post number 2,211), I want to mention that today is the 6th anniversary of the CleanLaugh list. That’s right; September 28, 1998 was CleanLaugh number 1. This is still fun for me. Contrary to what some assume (I once got an e-mail saying a person was praying for me and my staff!) most of my stuff is done and managed by me alone – although my three kids have been recently learning some computer stuff to help. The last 6 years have been a blast as one list turned into 7 lists (http://www.cybersaltlists.org) and a bunch of sites. Thank you to all of you for being a part of this and for helping to keep me off the streets and out of trouble at night.

As always, my lists and humor pages are free. There are ways, however, that you can help support the list(s) and sites if you are able and if you wish to do so. On this occasion I thought I would briefly list some of them and if you are interested you can visit the links and find out more. There is an ad free version of the CleanLaugh for a modest subscription fee (http://www.cybersaltlists.org/cladfree.htm). If you have a web page, you might consider hosting it through Cybersalt (http://www.cybersalt.net). You might also buy software, which will remove Adware and Spyware from your computer - if you find any after the no fee scan - (http://www.cybersalt.net/rdnuker.htm). Sponsoring a child through Compassion International is also a wonderful way you can support Cybersalt and make a difference in a kid’s life (http://www.cybersalt.net/rdcomp.htm). Did you know there is a CleanLaugh book? You can order it for 10% off at (http://www.cybersalt.net/ptcl110.htm)? Finally, you can always just donate if you like (https://www.cybersalt.org/donate).

OK, that’s enough of that. Like I said, the lists and funny pages (there is a link to a new one 6 days a week right after the joke of the day) are free for all to enjoy without guilt or obligation. In honor of the CleanLaugh 6th anniversary, and my long-windedness above, here is today’s extra large CleanLaugh.

*Answers to the question: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”*

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Anderson Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Bill Clinton: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard.)

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.

Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Constable: To get a better view.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Donne: It crosseth for thee.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

George W. Bush: Because that’s what the Iraqi people wanted.

Hamlet: That is not the question.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Hillary Clinton: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my husband.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo-sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DEAD DEAD!

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

John Kerry: I actually voted for the chicken to cross before I voted against it crossing.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Mrs. Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.

Othello: Jealousy.

Plato: For the greater good.

Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.

Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.

The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.

Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side

The Chicken: To show the opossum that it "could" be done!