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Dear Son,

I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast.  We don't live where we did when you left.  Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved.  I won't be able to send you the address, cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine.  The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle and haven't seen them since.  It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.  The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you.

The family is fine.  Your Father, he has a lovely job.  He has about 500 men under him.  He is cutting grass down at the cemetary.  Your sister had a baby this morning.  I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.  We got a bill from the funeral home the other day.  They said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.  Billy Bob was driving and Willie and Joe was in the back.  Billy Bob got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety.  The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down.  Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat.  Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned.  We Cremated him and he burned for three days.

Not much more news this time.  Nothin' much happened.  Write more often.

Love, Mom

P.S.  I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring.

"I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three children too?" I asked.

"Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me, she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have a birthstone for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the cat."

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.

-You wake up face down on the pavement.

-You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

-You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

-Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

-You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

-Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

-You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize you don't have a waterbed.

-Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

-Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

-Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

-You wake up and your braces are locked together.

-You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

-You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

-Your income tax check bounces.

-You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

-The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.