Entertainment

*Rules For Choosing A Superhero Name*

1. Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.

2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.

3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.

4. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman.

5. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.

6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil

7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.

8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.

9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.

10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.

11. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.

12. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.

"I'm going fishing."
really means..."I'm going to go and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Woman driver."
really means..."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"It's a guy thing."
really means....."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Have you lost weight?' really means..."I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"It would take too long to explain."
really means....."I have no idea how it works."

"I got a lot done."
really means....."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
really means....."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
really means....."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
really means....."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You know how bad my memory is."
really means....."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop' and the Vehicle Identification Numbers on every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Hey I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
really means....."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
really means....."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?' really means...."What did you catch me at?"

"I don't need to read the instructions."
really means....."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'm not lost.  I know exactly where we are."
really means....."No one will ever see us alive again."

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.

"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires. Maybe I can help here."

"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few moments later. The diver went below still another 25 feet, but soon , the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How on earth are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm DROWNING, YOU GOOBER!!!"