Entertainment

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.  Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath?  Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.  The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.  (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

1.  American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

2.  Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3.  You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4.  You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed an emotional bond towards Abe Lincoln.

5.  Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

6.  You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

7.  Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

8.  You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

9.  Your bologna has no first name.

10.  You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.

11.  Sally Struthers sends you food.

12.  McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting the children's message. Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."

It took a few moments before he realize why everyone was laughing so hard.