Entertainment

Old folks are worth a fortune: With silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomachs.  I have become more social with the passing of the years; some might even call me a frivolous old gal.  I'm seeing five gentlemen everyday.

As soon as I wake, Will Power helps me get out of bed.  Then I go see John. Then Charley Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.  When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day.  (He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.) After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed - with Ben Gay.  What a life!

P.S.  The preacher came to call the other day.  He said that at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter.  I told him I do - all the time.  No matter where I am - in the parlor, upstairs in the kitchen or down in the basement - I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

After harvesting the usual bumper crop of squash last year, I took a half-dozen to the office. I piled them on the table in the break room and posted a sign advertising them as free.

The next day I noticed an addition to my sign. Below "Free Zucchini," someone had written, "Save the whales."

The Iams Pet Professionals, a team of 30 trained customer service representatives at The Iams Company, handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country. Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team's favorite calls this year:

"My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering.  .  .  how many calories are in a mouse?"

"I have a neutered male cat.  How old should he be before I can breed him?"

"Does your dog food help with emancipation?"

"What should I feed a borderline collie?"

"What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?"

"Is it normal for a dog to shed?"

"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?"

"My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner.  Any suggestions?"

"How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams(r) Chunks dog food?"

"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?"

"Your food turned my dog into a stud.  Now what do I do?"

"Do you know how to toilet train a cat?"

"I have three cats.  Is it true that Eukanuba(r) Cat Food makes the poop smell better?"

"Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?"

"Where can I get a six-toed cat?"

"I really like your paw print logo.  Does Iams have a tattoo?"

Dear Abby:

I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.

Any suggestions?

Sam in California

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Dear Sam:

Yes. Run for public office.

Abby