Entertainment

You Know It's Hot Outside When...

**you ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible

** you've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man

** the swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra tasty crispy"

** the strawberries are ripe, and the cab drivers are even riper

** your pool water starts to boil in the sun

** the hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot

** pigs complain about sweating like fat humans

** a scalding hot shower still cools you down

** people walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames

** a $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants

** the politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves

** you need a spatula to remove your clothing

** you wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather

** you are sweating in both directions -- up and down!

** you are sitting inside reading these jokes

** your brother's braces make blisters on his lips

~ Pointer + Setter = Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

~ Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

~ Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

~ Pekinese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

~ Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

~ Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

~ Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

~ Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

~ Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly

~ Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by...  oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

~ Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Letter from a farm kid, now at Paris Island Marine Corps recruit depot:

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 am, but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.  The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.  She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read.  "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries.  Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "in that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: 1983 pickup for sale...."