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Miss the experience of skiing? Try the following to get that feeling back.

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in bad weather and you're following an 18 wheeler.

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday.

Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden vomit attack impending.

"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"

She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can.  Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes.  You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."

So Little Johnny hurried out the door.  Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom.  He had the look of obvious relief on his young face.

"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Little Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom.  Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."

Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.

Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.  The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.  Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.  Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me!  Pray for me!"

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A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold".  At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute -how come you called God 'Harold'"?
The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church.
You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy Name."

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And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.  Gary's mother was horrified.  She pinched him into silence, and after church asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle...  and He just then did!"

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One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

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A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night.  "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes..." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken.
He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

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A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me.  Oh, please take care of yourself, God.  If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

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A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night Very commendable.  What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!".

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A woman invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to her six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?".  "I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said.  The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room.  After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.  "Fine", said the pleased mother.  "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny.  "I asked Him to help you put up with me."