Entertainment

An elderly man was standing in front of the ticket office in Grand Central Station. A picture of utter helplessness, it was clear something was horribly wrong with him. He stood with his elbows pressed closely at his side. His forearms were rigidly extended before him and his palms were turned towards each other about ten inches apart. Apparently, the man was paralyzed.

A young woman approached him. "Can I do anything to help you?" she asked.

"Oh, thank you. Please put your hand in my coat pocket and take out money to buy me a ticket to Philadelphia."

The woman complied. She bought the ticket and accompanied the crippled man on the train, to make sure he was settled before leaving him.

"I hope you have a complete recovery. Are you visiting an out of town specialist?"

"A specialist," replied the cripple. "Why should I go to a specialist?"

"To treat you for the trouble with your hands."

"But, I have no trouble with my hands."

"Of course you have trouble with your hands. Why, you couldn't even reach into your pocket to get the money to buy your ticket."

"Oh, you're wondering why my hands are like this. My wife asked me that when I go to Philadelphia to buy her a pairs of shoes. This is her size."

A rich man went to his vicar and said, "I want you and your wife to take a three month trip to the Holy Land at my expense.  When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you".  The vicar accepted the offer and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.

Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them while they were gone, he had had a new church built.  "It's the finest building money can buy, vicar," said the man, "No expense was spared." And he was right.  It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.

But there was one striking difference.  There was only one pew and it was at the very back.  "A church with only one pew?" asked the vicar.

"You just wait until Sunday." said the rich man.

When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down.  When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward.  When it reach the front of the church it came to a stop.  At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down.  And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.

"Wonderful!" said the vicar, "Marvellous!"

The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon.  He launched into his text and, when 12 o'clock came, he was still going strong with no end in sight.  Suddenly a bell rang and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.

"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvellous!"

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.  The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way!  A cat certainly can't do everything.  I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it!  A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede?  I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay...  I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and...  it's immaculate!  All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed.  He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room.  The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.  The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.  This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door.  10 minutes later...no centipede.  20 minutes later...  no centipede.  30 minutes later...no centipede.  By this point the man is wondering what's going on.  So he goes to the front door, opens it...  and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey!!  I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper.  What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'!  I'm goin'!  I'm just putting on my shoes!"

A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.

"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"