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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings which happened to be on display.

"I have good news and bad news," the gallery owner replied.  " The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."

"What did you say?" questioned the artist.

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor...."

** If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.

** In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog to worship him and a cat to ignore him.

** Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

** Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.

** When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

** Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine.  These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D.  dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

• "It has long been known"...  I didn't look up the original reference.
  
• "A definite trend is evident"...  These data are practically meaningless.
  
• "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"...  An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
  
• "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"...  The other results didn't make any sense.
  
• "Typical results are shown"...  This is the prettiest graph.
  
• "These results will be in a subsequent report"...  I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
  
• "In my experience"...  once "In case after case"...  twice "In a series of cases"...  thrice "It is believed that"...  I think.
  
• "It is generally believed that"...  A couple of others think so, too.
  
• "Correct within an order of magnitude"...  Wrong.
  
• "According to statistical analysis"...  Rumor has it.
  
• "A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"...  A wild guess.
  
• "A careful analysis of obtainable data"...  Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop.
  
• "It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"...  I don't understand it.
  
• "After additional study by my colleagues"...  They don't understand it either.
  
• "Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"...  Mr.  Blotz did the work and Ms.  Adams explained to me what it meant.
  
• "A highly significant area for exploratory study"...  A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
  
• "It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"...  I quit.

We moved into an apartment while we were looking for a place that would let us keep our pets. We could not have our pets at our apartment, so my brother-in-law kept our cat for us until we could find a place that would let us keep him.

One day he came home after dark and saw the cat on the porch eating. He reached down to pet him and while he was petting him he looked over toward the fence where he saw MY cat sitting. Looking back around to see what he was petting he realized that it was a raccoon that had came up to eat the cat food. After that the cat was fed in the house.