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Julie, the goober, was getting pretty desperate for money.  She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you.  How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.

"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, great.  You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

"Fifty bucks!  Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?"
asked the wife.

"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.  "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.  The man was amazed.

"You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.

"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.

Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.

"What time does the course start, Pastor?"

The Pastor replied, "Oh... sixish, sevenish...."

1.  Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2.  Bandage left thumb.

3.  Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4.  Bandage left foot.

5.  Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)

6.  Light Match

7.  Light Match

8.  Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

9.  Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.

10.  Apply burn ointment to nose.

11.  When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12.  Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."

13.  Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14.  Relabel can to read "gasoline."

15.  When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

16.  When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.

At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."

Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.

"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."