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Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: The Gate of Heaven".  Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."

Rev.  Warren J.  Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.  A young girl answered:  "Because they couldn't get a babysitter."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.  "Oh, good heavens!  Have we come to this?" said the woman.  "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

Pastor: "This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs.  Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

Rev.  H.J.  Dick, pastor of Emmaus Mennonite Church near Whitewater, KS, came to the end of a very heavy day at the New Year's Eve midnight service.  Getting his tongue tangled, he announced, "Let us now stand and sing, Another Dear is Yawning."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church.  The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it." The pastor continued with the full service - including a 40 minute sermon.  On the way out the farmer said, "I said I would still feed the one cow - not feed him the whole herds food."

During a children's sermon, Rev.  Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means.  A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order.  His answer?  "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.  "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.  "He died and went to Heaven," I replied.  My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're on of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

My wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.  "Just say what you hear Mommy say,"
my wife said.  Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, she thought, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present."

She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.

He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car.  Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture, of a pair of handcuffs.

Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.

Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.