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* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.

* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is antiperspirant to put under your car's fenders.

* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.

* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.

* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.

* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.

* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.

* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.

* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.  The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.  They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.  He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute.  I'll have to look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back.  "That's terrific!  Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting.  He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.

Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says, "I'm sorry I talked so long.  I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room says,

"There's a calendar behind you."