Entertainment

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"

Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want for Mother's Day

10.  To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash)

9.  To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.

8.  Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.

7.  A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.

6.  A full time cleaning person - period!

5.  For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom!  I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"

4.  A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

3.  To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.

2.  To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no!  Why me...!"

And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want for Mother's Day is.....

Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

Old world charm ............. No bath

Tropical .................... Rainy

Majestic setting ............ A long way from town

Options galore .............. Nothing is included in the itinerary

Secluded hideaway ........... Impossible to find or get to

Pre-registered rooms ........ Already occupied

Explore on your own ......... Pay for it yourself

Knowledgeable trip hosts .... They've flown in an airplane before

No extra fees ............... No extras

Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge

Standard .................... Sub-standard

Deluxe ...................... Standard

Superior .................... One free shower cap

Cozy ........................ Small

All the amenities ........... Two free shower caps

Plush ....................... Top and bottom sheets

Gentle breezes .............. Occasional Gale-force winds

Light and airy .............. No air conditioning

Picturesque ................. Theme park nearby

Concierge ................... Stand with tourist brochures

Continental breakfast ....... Free muffin

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight.  He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on.  Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."