Entertainment

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great- grandchildren in Boston.  Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

Thanks to my good, Texan friend Walter Smith for this one.

Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat Beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck...pale, hands shaking, Biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.

"Oh man... I've been transferred to Texas. There's crazy people in Texas. They have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, high crime rate...."

"Hold on" Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?", said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Laredo."

1.  The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2.  You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

3.  The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

4.  There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

5.  People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

6.  If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

7.  The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

8.  You should not confuse your career with your life.

9.  A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.

10.  When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.

Unfortunately, we humans do not come equipped with delete buttons for our mouths.

My friend and his rock band were playing a concert at the local psychiatric hospital where he worked as a musical therapist.

The audience was a little too quiet for his taste, so the guitarist decided to do something about it. He grabbed the microphone, pointed to the group and yelled, "Are you ready to get a little crazy?"