Entertainment

When you are out of the office, here are some away messages to use:

1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it.

4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert Boss's cell phone number here).

5. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

6. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

I realized that my six-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a cousin's wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the synagogue, he turned to me and asked,

"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift.  She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is.  Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"  "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.  The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is.  A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.  "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.  The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.  "Is it champagne?" she asked.  "No," the boy replied, with more excitement.  The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"