Entertainment

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets the first patient and the patient replies, "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain of the puddin race, Aboon them a you take your place, As langs my airm."

Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient responds, "Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the next patient who immediately begins to chant, "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timerous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "What kind of facility is this? Is it a mental ward?"

"No" replies the doctor, "This is a serious Burns unit."

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables one year. When she picks her crop in the Autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them and cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce and they taste wonderful.

After eating them for a week she notices two things. Firstly, her lips are full and glossy, unchapped, uncracked and require absolutely no lip gloss to make them look full and pouty.

Secondly she has really awful bad breath and even her cat won't come near her.

Pleased with her lips however, and spotting a money making idea, she contacts a big cosmetics company and explains about the lip enhancing qualities of her cauliflower crop.

After a month of testing, the company buy the entire crop of cauliflowers for a phenomenal amount and it requests Mary grows some more as soon as possible.

The company proceed to make lipstick out of them but experience problems in the the final product manufacture. The lipstick does not gel correctly into a solid stick and ends up crumbling upon application. Quality controllers also find that, even as a lipstick, the bad breath remains and have to put it down as an unfortunate side effect.

As they are nearing their production deadline and adverts for this new wonder lip enhancer have hit the streets, the cosmetics company have no choice but to produce the packaging with the following caution.

Poppins' Pop-up Lip enhancer:

Super Cauli, Fragile Lipstick - Expect Halitosis.

There was once a small rural community, so small, in fact, the only church in town is a small Baptist church whose pastor must also double up as the local barber to make ends meet.

There happened to be a man in this small community who had invested wisely and was enjoying his newfound comfort. This man got out of bed one day to go through his daily routine. He looked into the mirror as he was about shave and decided, "I make enough money now, I don't have to shave myself. I'll go down to the barber and let him shave me from now on." So he did.

He walked into the barber shop and found the preacher/barber was out calling on the shut-ins. His wife, Grace, said "I usually do the shaves anyway ... sit down and I'll shave you." So he did.

She shaved him and he asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"$25," Grace replied. The man thought that was somewhat expensive and that he may have to get a shave every other day. Nonetheless, he paid Grace and went on his way.

The next day, he woke up and found his face to be just as smooth as the day before. No need for a shave today, he thought, well, it was a $25 shave.

The next day he awoke to find his face as smooth as a baby's bottom. Wow! he thought. That's amazing, as he normally would need to shave daily to keep his clean-shaven business look.

Day 3, he woke up and his face was still as smooth as the minute after Grace had finished. Now, somewhat perplexed, the man went down to the barber shop to ask some questions.

This particular day the pastor was in and the man asked him why his face was as smooth as it was the first day it was shaven.

The kind old pastor gently retorted, "Friend, you were shaved by Grace and once shaved, always shaved."

Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales rep went to a psychiatrist. "I'll implant a hypnotic suggestion in your mind," said the shrink. "Just say 'one-two-three,' and you'll give the presentation of your life. However, do not say 'one-two-three-four,' because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool or yourself."

The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work, and got a standing ovation. Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to start.

The sales rep whispered under his breath, "One-two-three."

Then the CEO asked, "What did you say 'one-two-three' for?"