(This note, from me, was written to the PearlyGates Newsletter subscribers in 2002. My mother is now 84.)
Dear PearlyGates subscribers. To get the gist of today’s PearlyGates item (sent to this clean but theologically incorrect joke list for obvious reasons) I need to give you a bit of background behind it. This is an e-mail that I received from my mom on Monday.
Before I was born, my mom was one of the first police women in Toronto - only two other jurisdictions in the world had police woman at the time. For a number of years she was a single mom – waitressing at a bar at night so my sister and I could eat pork chops at dinner while she got by on grilled cheese sandwiches. Today she works at the Ontario Provincial Police Headquarters (ViCLAS division) doing data entry of investigating officer’s report booklets containing details of murders and sexual assaults. I’m telling you all of this because as you read the e-mail below you need to read it as from a woman with a lot of street smarts. She is also a woman with a life background that leaves her very little patience with people who have a lot of “street” but very little “smarts”. BTW, she is 62 and a half years old and a big Buffalo Bills fan.
Anyway, here is the e-mail my mom sent me. It cracked me up pretty good and so I wanted to share it with you all so you can enjoy my mom along with me.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee; this means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I was driving the other day and came up on a VW Beetle with a license plate reading 'BOBS MG'.
I went on a date the other night with a woman who works at a zoo.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A BOAT.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
"When I look at myself, I don't see how I can be saved. But when I look at Christ, I don't see how I can be lost."
Several years ago while working at the county jail (where I still work) I was locking down the inmates for the night and one man didn't want to get off the phone. After several attempts to get him to hang up the phone failed, I switched it off.
One thing I have learned in life is that some things do have a purpose no matter how bad they seem at the time. They don’t seem to have any purpose when they happen, but you later discover a significant purpose behind it.
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