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Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate who traveled to a small town community to address the single church there. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to ask which denomination so that when it was time for his speech, he inquired in this way:

My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian (absolute silence); but my Grandmother was an Episcopalian (more silence); I must tell you that my other Grandfather was a Catholic (deep silence); while my other Grandmother was Methodist (continued silence).

But I must tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist (loud cheers!)

...and I have always considered my aunt's path to be the right one!"

So far today, Lord, I've done all right; I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent.

I am thankful for that, Lord.

In a few moments, Lord, the alarm will ring and I am going to get out of bed.  From that point on, I am probably going to need your help.

Amen.

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish. Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.

So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words: "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Turbo Z123DX.  It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000.  He takes it out for a spin, and, while doing so, stops for a red light.

An elderly man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.  The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young many replies, "A 1997 Turbo Z123DX.  They cost $500,000."

"That's a lot of money!", says the old man, shocked.  "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!", states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure", replies the owner.

So, the old man leans up against the car, pokes his head in the window, and looks around.  Then, leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right."

Just then, the light changes, so the young man decides to show the old man what his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.  It seems to be getting closer!  He slows down a little to see what it could be, and suddenly, whhooossshhh!  Something whips by him, going much faster!"

"What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Z123DX?", the young man asks himself.  Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooosshh!  It goes by again!  And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy.  "How could a moped outrun a Turbo Z123DX?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!  Whooosh, Ka-Bbblaamm!  It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The young man stops the car, jumps out, and it's the old man!!  Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.  He runs up to the moaning old man and says, "You're hurt bad!  Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies, "Yes.  Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"