Entertainment

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, she said, "You know, Bobby, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and always stay like that."

Bobby looked up into her face and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

A goober wanted to go ice fishing.  She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.  Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the goober moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.  Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The goober, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.  The voice came once more.
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!"

Our assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on Saturday during an important Nebraska/Notre Dame game. When one man had finished his confession, the Father asked him, "Are you by any chance going to be around the church for awhile?"

"Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be here all afternoon."

"Would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming back in now and then and keeping me posted on the game?"

"Sure thing."

Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard, "Father my last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't done nothing and neither has Notre Dame."

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containters:

1.  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

2.  Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a goober.

3.  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4.  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5.  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-girlfriends are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

6.  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

7.  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

8.  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

9.  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

10.  Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.