Entertainment

'Twas the night before finals,

And all through the college,

The students were praying

For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,

But none touched their beds,

While visions of essays

Danced in their heads.

Out in the sports field,

There were some throwing,

In hope that some exercise

Would get their brains going.

In my own apartment,

I had been pacing,

Dreading all those exams

I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,

His nose in his books,

And my comments to him

Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,

And brewed a new pot,

No longer caring

That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,

But my thoughts were all muddy,

My eyes went a'blur,

I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"

I said with a shiver,

But each place I called

Refused to deliver.

I'd pretty much concluded

Life is unfair and cruel,

Since our futures all depend

On grades made in school.

When all of a sudden,

Our door opened wide,

And Patron Saint Put-It-Off

Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,

Her manner was mellow,

She looked at the mess

And started to bellow:

"Why should us students

Make such a fuss,

About what those teachers

Toss out to us?"

"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!

On Last Year's Exams!

On Wingit and Slingit,

And Last Minute Crams!"

Her message delivered,

She vanished from sight,

But we heard her laughing

Outside in the night.

"Your teachers won't flunk you,

So just do your best.

Happy Finals to All,

And to All, a good test."

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries. Can you help?"

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre."

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."

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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks, will I have my file back again?"

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Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide, it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone socket on the wall."

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RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"

Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

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Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please."

Operator: "I'm sorry, but there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off."

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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label: Woven in Scotland."

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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."

Our division had to repaint our Humvees to a sand color for Desert Storm. The result was a pinkish hue, and the jokes began.

One wag renamed us the Pink Panzer Division, but the best was the Humvee bumper sticker:

"Ask me about Mary Kay."

A farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. And that was what took the price up. The farmer need the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow..........

BASIC COW...............................$500.00

Two tone exterior..........................$45.00

Extra stomach...............................$75.00

Product storing equipment..........$60.00

Straw compartment....................$120.00

4 Spigots @$10 ea......................$40.00

Leather upholstery......................$125.00

Dual horns.....................................$45.00

Automatic fly swatter....................$38.00

Fertilizer attachment..................$185.00

GRAND TOTAL......................$1,233.00