Entertainment

I've been working on my budget.

Line one is my fixed expenses, line two is my fixed income and the difference is the fix I'm in.

Back in the 1960s, one animal rights group was outraged that open season had been declared on the great American buffalo to help thin the herd in and near some of our national parks.

They began herding the buffalo (by helicopter) into holding pens. The buffalo would then be loaded onto railroad cars and shipped to places where there were no buffalo.

One very smart buffalo named Gus decided that the holding pen was not the place for him, so he staged a mutiny. Gus and ten of his fellow buffalo decided to make a break for it. They burst the gate of the holding pen and were free at last.

Early the next morning, they heard the sound of helicopters, so they hid. Deciding it was too dangerous to stay in the park area, they headed south, toward Dallas, Texas. Grazing was not so good, so they came on farther south toward Houston. While at the Johnson Space Center, they learned about Cape Canaveral. The pictures were great: plenty of water, plenty of grass, and no helicopters. Gus and his friends headed for Florida.

They found the Cape and grazed to their hearts' content each day. As they grazed, a rocket was being readied for launch on a nearby pad. The order came for the area to be evacuated of all living animals. Gus and his friends continued to graze. To get them out of the area (for their own safety), NASA sent in helicopters to round up the buffalo. Gus and his friends recognized the sound and began running. They took cover under the rocket. They saw a man walking near the pad, so they climbed the tower and into the top stage of the rocket, which was about to go into orbit.

Since no one knew where the buffalo were, NASA assumed they were clear of the area and continued the countdown. As the rocket lifted off, Gus and his friends became the "First herd shot around the world."

One night, as Al was watching TV, the doorbell rang. He went to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar, threw him across the room, and then left. Al picked himself up and phoned his friend Tony to tell him the bizarre story.

"That's amazing," said Tony. "The same this happened to me an hour ago! This huge cockroach rang my doorbell, and when I answered, the bug punched me in the gut and left!"

Al and Tony decided to visit their buddy Vince and get his advice. When they finished telling their tales, Vince said: "This is too weird, guys. When I got home from work this afternoon, a huge bug was waiting for me at the door. He beat me up real bad! I think we better go to the cops and get this settled."

So the three men went to the local police station and reported their experiences. The desk sergeant just shook his head. "Sorry, fellas, there's nothing we can do. There's just a nasty bug going around."

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors

(gates) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.

One day one of the workers, named Peter, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down.

Visitors to the cathedral witnessed the sexton of the cathedral, with his head tipped up, yelling to the heavens, "Peter! Close the gates!"