Entertainment

Everybody is remaking their oldies hits!

- Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"

- The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"

- The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"

- Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"

- Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"

- Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"

- Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

- Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

- ABBA - "Denture Queen"

- Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"

- Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"

- Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"

- Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection.

A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny, (our six-week-old son), while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. And I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was NOT mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.

With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine guys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

“Walking To School The First Day Back” by Misty Bus

“The Day the Car Pool Forgot Me” by I. Rhoda Bike

“Can't See The Chalkboard” by Sidney Backrow

“Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School” by Major Crackupp

“What I Dislike About Returning To School” by Mona Lott

“Making It Through the First Week Of School” by Gladys Saturday

“Is Life Over When Summer Ends?” by Midas Welbee

“What I Love About Returning To School” by I.M. Kidding

“Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?” by I. Betty Wont

“What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School” by U. Will Gettitt

A scientist, unjustly accused and convicted of a major crime, found himself sentenced to hard time in a prison out in the Arizona desert. His cellmate turned out to be another scientist. Determined to escape, the first man tried to convince his colleague to make the attempt with him. He refused. After careful planning the scientist made his escape.

Before long the heat of the desert, the lack of food and water, and complete disorientation in the hostile wilderness almost drove him mad. He was soon forced to return to the prison. He reported his terrible experience to the other scientist who surprised him by saying, "Yes, I know. I tried it too and failed, too, for the same reasons."

The first scientist responded bitter, "For heaven's sake, man, when you knew I was going to make a break for it, why didn't you tell me what it was like out there?"

His cellmate responded with a shrug, "Who publishes negative results?"